Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
