you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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