let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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