My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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