Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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