If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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