Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
