I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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