One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
