My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
