he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
