Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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