All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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