whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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