My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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