Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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