yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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