Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
