So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
