that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You left your phone here
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