i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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