Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
did i just pee glitter
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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