It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
