Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
