the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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