Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
