You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
