you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
