he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
