she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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