I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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