I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Randomize