never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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