the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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