I met the friendliest cop last night
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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