dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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