Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
