Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
