Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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