I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
