i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
