bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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