after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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