He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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