Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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