He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Are my feet made of real feet?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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