Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
40s are totally the cure
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
