After last night, I could never be a politician.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
