I just pynch a tree in the face
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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