So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
