I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
