I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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