I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
