I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
