i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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