I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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