my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
