hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
