my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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