Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
