Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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