I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
