you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
