I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
